Is it karma?

You know, I’ve been thinking a lot about us,

This shouldn’t be news to you though, you’re always on my mind.

I wonder what the future will hold, will you love me enough?

Will the love you have for me be enough for you?

I told my therapist I know it’s crazy to expect you to love me

To make time for me.

It’s crazy to expect that from anyone right now.

Everyone is moving, graduating, growing, why would you want to grow with me?

I wonder if you think I will hold you back, just how I used to think my exes in high school would.

Is it karma finally catching up to me?

All those boys I never loved enough, and now you’re the one who doesn’t love me.

Why I don’t date guys who travel

A while back I had this huge crush on one of my roommate’s friends. He’s fucking cool. He likes Neutral Milk Hotel, goes to a whole lot of protests, seems to understand his positionality as a pretty well off white man, is tall, has a nice beard and hair, and likes concerts. I was falling for him hard and wanted to get to know him more and maybe date a little. But there was one thing on the back of my mind that I kept thinking about. He travels.

A lot.

By the look of his social media and hearing stories about him it is something he enjoys a lot. For a while, like two years ago I was obsessed with the idea of traveling. It was before all the DACA shit started going on. I was still eligible to travel outside the country if I had a good enough reason. But then my grandmother died, Trump won, and DACA was in trouble. We were advised not to leave the country. What’s more, the permit that allowed us to leave was taken away. That’s the most stuck I have ever felt in my life.

All of a sudden all this talk about travel made me angry. I hated thinking that for a few years I had the ability to leave the country and come back, but I didn’t take it. I was stuck once more, probably more stuck than before because now DACA might be taken away and with it the ability to get a good job and provide for our families. But also, it meant that I would not be able to travel. Even travel within the country is precarious considering that many states have anti-immigrant laws.

So I decided to not date people who travel. When I thought about the boy I had a crush on I realized that there was an important part of his life I would never (as of now) be able to participate in. I would not be able to travel with him. I would resent him for the privilege of being able to leave this country and come back to his family. I would resent him for being born here. Fore something he or I have no control over. So now I don’t date people who travel. I don’t really like talking about travel, unless I start the conversation. I’m angry that you get that opportunity but I don’t.  I’m angry that my mom’s dreams of traveling may never come true because of a law that says we are not worthy of citizenship because we crossed a border that dissects land that was once our country.   I’m angry at all this immigrant shit that makes me filter people based on the amount of countries they have been to. I’m tired of being undocumented and having to think about this every minute of every day.

When I fall asleep

I am really afraid of falling asleep. Like really afraid.

Whenever I’m in bed and I feel my body relaxing I get scared. I have to wake up and feel my heartbeat. I have to calm myself down.

I’m so afraid of falling asleep.

I don’t know what the difference between dying and sleeping.

I sometimes don’t know the difference between my dreams and reality. They feel the same.

When does it end and when does it start?

Will I ever be able to sleep normally again?

You know that longing feeling?

That feeling when you really like someone and you just want to fill yourself with them. You want to see them, hear their voice, surround yourself with them.

And then do you know that feeling where they don’t like you back. Or at least you don’t think they do and belaboring that you like them isn’t an option because it’s embarrassing and awkward.

That feeling is annoying and quite possibly useless.

Who cares anyway, right?

Idk I’m about to get a bit sad. I use this blog as a place where I can write whatever I can’t tell anyone, something I can’t talk about because I’ve talked about them so much already that it’ll be annoying now and this is one of those things. I’m sure only like one person will read this and that’s fine. I feel like I think too much about either past relationships or people that I like, and you know my life is obviously more than that and then that bullshit feminist idea that we shouldn’t need to be in a romantic relationship to be happy but for a bit I’m gonna day fuck that idea. I’m lonely and maybe I do need to learn to find fulfillment in other places but I honestly love being in a relationship. I love loving and showing people that I love them so when I have a crush I have to stop myself from being overwhelming. From being too honest with my feelings and telling them that I would love to hold them and take care of them. But sometimes I wish I could do that so the person would know how much I appreciated them. Yet, it seems like every encounter I’ve had with anyone in the past year has been frivolous and shallow. It sucks to think that the person you have a crush on, someone you want to honestly get to know, might only want to fuck you.

I want someone who wants to get to know me. I wish this dude I’m talking about right now felt that way. I wish we could tell each other stories and have inside jokes. That we could hold hands and drink semi fancy wines. I wish we could go to cool places together, within the US because I can’t leave the country, but still have a blast. I wish I could look him in the eyes and just see him and have him really see me. I want to get to know him. And it’s so annoying. I wish I didn’t like him. But he’s so cool lol. He likes Neutral Milk Hotel and have a gorgeous beard. He’s so fucking smart and witty, a little too witty sometimes I don’t get the jokes or references. But he’s fucking cool. Oh gosh.

Anyway, tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, as I’m sure everyone knows. I wish who ever reads this has a great day.

I want to stop missing you

It’s been a year since I saw you last and I’m still angry at you. And sometimes I miss you.

I dreamt about you a lot tonight, about seeing you walking down Telegraph. You in a leather jacket and with someone else. I looked at you and you looked back, you wanted to say something but I kept going because I was scared and angry to see you. And then you texted me. And it’s strange because I’m laying here, awake, with that feeling that I got every time you would text me. It’s not that nice feeling you get when someone you want to talk to reaches out. It’s that feeling you get that makes you want to grind your teeth. That makes you shake.

But for some reason I woke up and had to look you up. One of the things I loved most about you was your art. I wish you could be just a chapter of my life. Someone that passed through but didn’t stay and that I was able to stop thinking about. I hate that you’re more. That after a whole year I’m still feeling this way. This anger and sadness. Anger at you for being so selfish and sadness that I don’t have you. Maybe I romanticize things now, because our relationship fucked me up so much, but I do miss you. I want to stop missing you.

“How many girls have slept in this bed?”

That’s a line from the Drake song “Child’s Play”. I love that song but that line always reminds me of my ex. I said in my first post that we had an open relationship. He slept with so many girls when we were together, some that he wasn’t supposed to but that’s a different story. Anyway, I remember there was this one day (several actually not just one) when I was feeling especially insecure about the fact that he slept with at least one other girl than me a week. Some days he slept with multiple girls a day. I would go over to his house in he evening and sleep over. We almost always had sex when I went over but I remember there were days when I felt disgusted to be in his bed. I just wanted him to wash the sheets. The thought of sleeping in a bed where I knew he was fucking other girls was revolting. Once, I was almost in tears and I asked him to please just wash the sheets, that I could wait and even pay for the cost of the washer and dryer. But he wouldn’t. He thought I was being childish. But is that really childish? Is it childish to ask your boyfriend to be respectful of the fact that i found sleeping in a bed that I knew had other people’s body fluids gross?

I hate my ex for a lot of things. Maybe hate is a strong word, I don’t wish him bad things, I just hate how he made me feel and that I associate that line in “Child’s Play” to him. I guess I should have known it wasn’t a good relationship when he refused to wash the sheets. I know it’s minor but I was going completely out of my comfort zone to accommodate a relationship structure that he wanted so it wouldn’t have been too much to ask to just wash the damn sheets.

Anyway, i wanted to rant about it because I just heard the song and I don’t really want to talk about it out loud so I’ll type about it instead. It’s just one of those things I hate thinking about and that I don’t want to bring up with people that know me. I don’t know why but it makes me feel dirty.

Thinking of withdrawing from school, for real this time

So I’ve decided I definitely want to withdraw from school next semester. A while ago I posted a blog about how I wanted to quit school and sadly those feelings didn’t go away. But I think instead of completely quitting I want to take a break. People don’t like to talk about how hard college is, there’s always those memes about student problems but in all honesty everyone wants to pretend that everything is going okay in school, when it isn’t. I haven’t been doing well for a year, my grades are crap and they’re gonna be crap this semester. I know I’m able to do better but I have this mental block that doesn’t let me do better so I’ve decided to take a break.

I just want y’all to know there is no shame in that. I know that it can feel like you’re a failure, like you weren’t cut out for college if you aren’t doing as well as you think you should be, but that’s bullshit. The essence of college is to get an education that you want at (almost) your own terms. This education is yours, for you, if it takes you a while to get there it’s okay. There is no shame in that. If you figure out along the way that you no longer want an education, then that’s okay too. You’re doing this for yourself and you should be able to take care of yourself and know what you really want and need. So yeah, I just wanted to share that with the void that is the internet. It’s been going back and forth in my head and honestly I feel relieved to know that withdrawing is something I really want.

I think I’m addicted to being heartbroken

How do you know?

I keep reading these articles about how toxic the dating and hookup culture is now a days and I can’t help but see my own reflection in that.

I’m supposed to be studying right now but all I can think about is if this one dude I met recently likes me or if he just wants to fuck. It frustrates me because i have the very bad habit of overthinking ever breath I take, let alone possible relationships. And i do it especially when I like someone. Because I like this guy. Sure, I don’t know him much, we met last week, but I want to know him. The thing is, I don’t know if he wants to get to know me or if he’s just interested in sex.

How do you know the difference?

I’ve dated a lot of different people this year, some were more friends with benefits, and others were clear hook ups, but I knew what those were because it was clear from the get-go. Also, going back to my bad habit of overthinking, I like someone that I like to know that I like them and appreciate them. But I’m so afraid of being clingy or reading things wrong and then having it turn out that they weren’t interested in getting to know me at all and just wanted something easy.

It’s a weird like to have to tip toe.

Our dating culture is fucked up. Like with tinder, all we are doing is treating people as if they were disposable. “Oh you didn’t like that one? Here go to the next one.” And so on. I feel like it has created something where we all have to be “chill” with whatever is happening and not question it, not define it, because then if you do it’s all bad.

I don’t know man.

I just know I want someone to want to get to know me, to want to make me feel appreciated. Because honestly I just want to do that too. But for this boy that’s in my mind right now. I want him to know I appreciate him. And his dancing, he has killer dance moves lol

Such my luck

My phone gets blown up by a person I don’t really know or want to talk to

While the person who I do want to talk to probably doesn’t even like me

Great